℞
💊 Now Accepting Pre-Orders

Performance Tea.

Premium functional chai. Adaptogens for vitality.
A name you'll never forget.

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Section II — The Diagnosis

Your Tea Is Underperforming.

You've been settling. Bland bags. Lukewarm ambitions. Zero adaptogens. It's time for a second opinion.

Chaiagra™ Diagnostic Assessment

Form RX-2026 Rev. A
Patient
You (yes, you)
Date
Today
Chief Complaint
Beverage-related lethargy

Presenting Symptoms

  • Chronic drowsiness — especially before 10am and after 2pm
  • Lack of vigor — general flatness of enthusiasm and vitality
  • Bland beverage syndrome — repeated exposure to uninspired tea
  • Underwhelming mornings — a persistent inability to start the day with purpose
  • Adaptogen deficiency — zero functional ingredients in current regimen
℞

Prescribed Treatment: Chaiagra™ — 1 to 2 cups daily, preferably in the morning or before any activity requiring sustained performance.

Increase dosage as desired. Consult your barista if symptoms of delight persist beyond 8 hours.

APPROVED ✓
Section III — The Medicine Cabinet

Choose Your Formula.

Every blend is crafted for a specific… occasion. All-natural. Adaptogen-loaded. Irresponsibly delicious.

☕

Chaiagra Original

The Daily Driver $19.99

Premium masala chai infused with ashwagandha, maca, and ginseng. The foundation of any solid performance regimen. Smooth, spiced, and built for consistency.

💊 Dosage: 1–2 cups daily. Best taken with intention.
⚡

Extra Strength

The Weekender $24.99

Double-dose adaptogens plus cordyceps and rhodiola. For when you need to go the distance. Whether that's a marathon, a deadline, or a Saturday. We don't judge.

💊 Dosage: 1 cup when you mean business. 2 if you mean it.
🌹

For Her

She Comes First $19.99

Shatavari, maca, rose, hibiscus, and damiana. Because she deserves her own formula — not a pink-washed version of his. Floral, bold, and unapologetically effective.

💊 Dosage: 1–2 cups daily. Prioritize as needed.
🫖

The Quickie

Single Serve Sticks $14.99

Instant chai latte mix in single-serve sticks. For when you don't have time for the full experience. Same adaptogens, less foreplay. Just add hot water and go.

💊 Dosage: 1 stick per cup. 10-pack. Pace yourself.
💑

The Honeymoon Bundle

His + Hers + 2 Mugs $49.99

One Original. One For Her. Two branded Chaiagra mugs. The perfect couples' ritual. Side effects may include eye contact, prolonged conversation, and mutual appreciation.

💊 Dosage: 1 cup each, same time, same table. Nightly.
Section IV — Active Ingredients

What's In the Bottle.

Real adaptogens with real science. The jokes are free — the ingredients are not.

🌿

Ashwagandha

Used for 3,000 years for stress and stamina. The ancient Indians didn't have Netflix, but they had this. KSM-66 extract, clinically studied, and delightfully potent.

Stress + Stamina
🏔️

Maca Root

Peruvian superfood for endurance. Grown at 14,000 feet — because apparently adversity builds character, even in root vegetables. What you do with that endurance is your business.

Energy + Endurance
🐉

Panax Ginseng

Ancient Chinese secret for vitality. Now in your teacup instead of locked in a mountain monastery. Over 2,000 years of documented use. Zero years of regret.

Vitality + Focus
🔥

Ceylon Cinnamon

Warming, aromatic, and scientifically linked to healthy blood flow. We'll leave it at that. (True Ceylon, not the grocery store imposter.)

Circulation + Warmth
⚫

Black Pepper (BioPerine®)

Makes everything else work harder. Increases bioavailability of every other ingredient by up to 2,000%. The overachiever of spices. The one who actually read the group project.

Absorption + Bioavailability
⚠️
Section V — Reported Side Effects

Side Effects May Include:

Case Report #0041
"I bought this as a joke for my husband. He won't stop drinking it. Send help."
Sarah M.
Reported: Involuntary repeat purchasing
Case Report #0127
"My coworkers asked why I've been in such a good mood lately. I just smiled."
Mike T.
Reported: Unexplained contentment
Case Report #0203
"Gave this to my dad for Father's Day. He texted me 'this is the greatest gift I've ever received.' I don't know if he means the tea."
Jessica R.
Reported: Paternal enthusiasm
Case Report #0318
"I expected it to be a gag gift. It's actually the best chai I've ever had. I'm confused and delighted."
Chris L.
Reported: Cognitive dissonance (positive)
Case Report #0472
"My wife and I drink the His & Hers bundle every morning. No further comment."
David K.
Reported: Redacted
Section VI — Your Prescription

Your Prescription Is Almost Ready.

Enter your email to be first in line when Chaiagra drops. Early subscribers get a free upgrade to The Weekender.

℞ Prescription Fulfillment Form

🔒 Your information will not be shared. Doctor-patient confidentiality.

Section VII — Warnings & Disclaimers

Read Before Consuming.

⚠️

Important Safety Information

Please review the following before initiating your Chaiagra regimen.

As real as the adaptogens in every cup. The name is a joke. The tea is not. We use clinically studied, premium-grade ingredients in every blend. The branding makes you laugh. The product makes you come back.
Chaiagra contains adaptogens traditionally used for energy, vitality, and stamina. What you do with that energy is between you and your partner. We're a tea company. We make tea. Really good tea.
Chaiagra is a food product, not a pharmaceutical. It doesn't need FDA approval any more than your morning coffee does. But we follow all FDA food labeling requirements, because we're responsible adults. Mostly.
Chaiagra is the gift that says "I love you, I believe in you, and I think you're hilarious." So yes. Absolutely. We'd argue it's the perfect gift for birthdays, Father's Day, Valentine's Day, anniversaries, or any Tuesday where someone needs to know you care.
Then you're exactly our target customer. Chaiagra is for people who are already great and want to be legendary. Think of it as the upgrade you didn't know you needed. Greatness isn't a ceiling — it's a floor.